Santa Secrets Revealed

As long as I can remember, I’ve actually known most of the truth about this dude Santa Claus. There are those that buy into his “magical” aspects, but his methods aren’t near as humanely impossible as anyone would think.

Mr Kringle is a pretty good guy, but I find his tactics questionable. This is probably the biggest reason my name has never been found on the other list. I don’t buy into the brainwashing. I don’t find it okay and look the other way regarding his breaking and entering tendency.

This unorthodox method of coming down a chimney is far fetched. Maybe he did it that way in the past, but some houses don’t even have a big enough chimney! Some houses don’t even have a fireplace. It must come down to being a mixed up burglar, since he doesn’t take anything. He leaves stuff. Maybe some people actually let him in. I have heard rumours of him being permiscuous. He has been seen kissing mommy.

Santa must be a horrible driver. He parks on the roof! Doesn’t he take into consideration the structural damage that heavy sleigh causes? What’s with the livestock? It’s 2020! Hes had to have seen the use of a motor by now. Park in the driveway or on the street like everyone else. Theres going to be less damage if he just parked in the yard. Watch out for little old ladies along the way too! Somebody lost their grandma to this maniac!

I had a break in back on Christmas eve in 2014. This guy even had the tenacity to wake me up and ask where my tree was. After my heart rate eased from the scare, I explained to him I wasn’t having a real great year and had very little Christmas spirit because of that. He didn’t help matters, he left coal. I had to have roof damage repaired and clean manure off my siding. The landlord wasn’t real happy!

There was good out of it all. I got a deer, which was easy shooting. I sure didn’t want the lead one though. There was something terribly wrong with it. The nose was red and it glowed.

The following year I had moved. I didn’t think I’d be dealing with this menace, but I was mistaken. I woke up and found him in my kitchen, rustling in my refrigerator! He realized real quick he had screwed up when I rested a pistol barrel against his cherry red cheek. He went down town and was booked but never went to trial. I didn’t press charges. I’m sure to be permanently on his “naughty” list though.

The was more venison in my freezer and I got a good scrap price on a sleigh. Sleigh? We don’t get enough snow anymore for that. Ever hear of a wheel? He must have seen them if he goes all over the world. The sick deer must have died. He wasn’t part of the team. I’m still looking to get rid of the harness gear. The deer’s name plates were in their positions. Dasher Dancer, etc. All except one place the tag read George. That must have been the replacement from the one I got the year before.

I may be one of the reasons he is changing his methods. I recently had a encounter with St Nick. He may think he was fooling me, but I knew EXACTLY who he was.

Don’t be fooled to think he makes his deliveries all in one night. I learned, at a young age, he has an advance delivery route. I found a few presents under the tree on December 19th from him. My mom explained the deal. He has WAY to many stops and has to do some of them before the big day. That’s logical. North Pole delivery is probably bigger than UPS and Fed Ex combined.

So that brings me back to the present. The other morning while I did my walk around on my work truck, a big red van truck pulled into the elevator. I recognized him, even though he was wearing a UPS type uniform and ball cap. He didn’t have on the felt suit with fur trim on. I guess he did away with the sleigh, it may have been my fault since I scraped it out. Maybe he didn’t have any more reign deer?

It was dark, and he didn’t recognize me, or didn’t act like it if he did. He asked if I’d be around later in the morning and if he could leave a package with me. I didn’t act all snarky like I could have and ask him why he didn’t just break in like he always did any other time. We have enough bad blood between us. I didn’t need to fuel that fire further. I’m willing to bet, he would have if I hadn’t been around.

I’m not sure who the package was for, there is maybe two people that make his special list I work with. The package wasn’t shaped right for coal. Oh well, not my cornfield… not my plow.

For those that read this, don’t act all aghast and think I’m evil. The story is fiction. Its humor people! Smile and most of all….

Merry Christmas!

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