Avoiding the Darkness

My heart hurts right now!

Ultimate Choice

There is always another alternative
It didn’t have to come to this
Make the choice that you live
Think of the loved ones that miss

You’ll make us always wonder
If there was a silent plea?
Friends would have stop this tragic blunder
Help you work to cast the darkness free

I wish I’d truly known
to prevent this horrific end
Love and peace answer shown
You’ve always had a friend!

In your aftermath, you left much grief
Many feel the burden of pain
Do you feel a final relief?
While others deal from your final gain

Valley drops and theres hills to climb
There is always a chance for a sunny day
This is something we all learn in time
But you chose not to even stay!

Recently I lost a very close friend. We had known each other for nearly 30 years. In that time I discovered a very talented, loyal and trustworthy brother. Our friendship had been tempered by shared hardship and polished with many joyful times. We had seen alot together. My heart is broken because I didn’t realize the pain he had been hiding and I feel I let him down. My friend took his own life.

The circumstances behind this tragic event were revealed to be inevitable medically. That doesn’t take the sting totally away though. Another issue, I tend not to dwell on, came to the forefront of my concern.

The scary part is, I’ve talked to several people about depression and come to the realization we all fight the demons. It’s hard not to hear their lure. A few of my friends honestly admitted, to me, they have to work to stay beyond the darkness.

I, personally, hear the whispers. I like to think I’m strong enough to not give in. It’s not so much a daily fight anymore, as it had been a few years ago. I’ve learned to set goals and count my life’s blessing to counteract and defeat.

2014 was not my shining year. At 50 years old, I was looking at starting over. My parents had both passed away, the rest of my family is scattered, and I was going through a bankruptcy. I felt alone and didn’t feel it worth struggling anymore. I didn’t see a point!

The gun was loaded. I was working up my courage, when I heard a sweet familiar voice. My mother was standing in my bedroom doorway. She told me what I was contemplating wasn’t the answer. My life would get better. My life did from that dark moment and continues to improve every day.

Not everyone is blessed with a Devine intervention. There is always support though. This subject isn’t easy to discuss and many of us don’t like to admit defeat or failure. If this is a problem you deal with….Please seek help, be it professional or even talking to a trusted love one. Don’t ever think a life doesn’t matter! Don’t ever feel you’re alone!

This may be a strange subject for my blog format. This is my public playground, and I can’t promise it’s always going to be a perfect paradise. There might be some mud here and there. It’s not easy to open myself up and lay bare some of my darkest secrets. This may have been more an outlet to release pent up emotions, so I can move on.

Many of my tractor friends are like extended family. We all share a common passion, but some of us create strong bonds. We need to look out for one another, and talk to each other. Anything and EVERYTHING should be done so a tragic suicide will be prevented.

My parting thought

You stay until you’re taken
It’s not in the rules you get to quit
travel the road you help makin
You can’t progress if you just sit

Tomorrow is another day. I’ll see you then.

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